Childhood Meets Westeros
TITLE REDACTED - SPOILERS. DON’T READ IF YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHO KILLED JOFFREY

"We’ll Grow Strong"

To the tune of “Be Prepared” from “The Lion King”

(We open in the gardens of King’s Landing, with OLENNA Tyrell, MARGAERY, LORAS and the rest of the Tyrell GIRLS conspiring after the meeting with Sansa in Season 3)

OLENNA (to LORAS, spoken)
I don’t think you really deserve her. I practically gift-wrapped Renly’s claim. And you couldn’t even keep him safe.

LORAS (spoken)
It’s not exactly like I could stop Brienne—

MARGAERY (spoken)
And what are we supposed to do now? Kill Joffrey?

OLENNA
Precisely.
(sung)
I know that King Joffrey’s ascension
Was as dirty as Loras’ backside
But kindly feel no apprehension
His reign will soon be rectified

It’s clear from that girl’s blank expression
Her wits are a traumatized wreck
But we’ll ensure Tommen’s succession
With a jewel placed right round her neck

We’ve grown strong with our bountiful harvests
We’ve grown strong without sword, fire or helm
A peaceful new era
Is tip-toeing nearer
The rape and defiling
We’ll leave to Lord Tywin
Once this war is sorted
Then we’ll be supported
Because we are feeding the realm.
It’s a plan that can never go wrong.
We’ll grow strong!

LORAS (spoken)
Yeah, we’ll grow strong! (thinks) What does that mean?

OLENNA
The death of King Joffrey.

LORAS
Why, is he sick?

OLENNA
No, Loras, we’re going to kill him, and Sansa, too.

LORAS
Great idea! I’m fabulous enough to be the only queen Westeros needs! No queen, no queen, la la la la la.

MARGAERY
Brother, there will be a queen.

LORAS
But she said…

MARGAERY
I will be queen. Thanks to me, Westeros knows they’ll never go hungry again.

LORAS (and GIRLS)
Long live the Queen!
Long live the Queen!

GIRLS
The lions and wolves make men cower
But our queen will be kindly and fair

MARGAERY
It’s truly a must for soft power
That all shall love me and despair
And unlike Eddard Stark’s beheading
Where all the blame fell on Joffrey
When we strike at this royal wedding
They’ll think it’s the Imp and not me.

OLENNA
We’ll grow strong as we fertilize Joffrey
We’ll grow strong, but through love and not fear
This plan cannot wreck us
So pick a good necklace
And Joffrey will die well
To raise up House Tyrell

GIRLS and LORAS (synonymous with above)
Ooooooh, la la la!
There’ll be food
Lots of food
But, this feast,
Joff’s deceased

OLENNA
The throne we usurp’ll
Be stained rich and purple
But bloodless, unlike Castamere
Yes, our thorns are as sharp and as long
We’ll grow strong!


ALL
Yes, our thorns are as sharp and as long
We’ll grow strong!

Slay Our Guest

(I realize all of you are probably reeling in pain from tonight’s episode. But inappropriate humor waits for no fan, and besides, I read the books and have been waiting to post this song since I started writing this Tumblr. Enjoy, or yell at me, whichever seems best to you.)

Slay Our Guest

To the tune of “Be Our Guest” from “Beauty and the Beast.”

WALDER FREY
Slay our guest
Slay our guest
This affront can’t be redressed
You apologized for shaming me,
But boy, I’m not impressed.
It’s just like Castamere
You ain’t got no guest right here!

'Cause the Tullys were seditious,
Now we’re lions, fuck the fishes
This is just how we roll
Yes, the Freys exact our toll
And this time the toll’s the heart within your breast
We’ll fuck you in the bedding
Heh, this IS a wedding!
Slay our guest
They’re no guest!
Slay our guest.

SOLDIERS
Bolton and Walder Frey
Kill when they don’t get their way
They’ve prepared and now they’ll share
A nuptial auto-da-fe!
You’re alone, little Stark
Now the future’s looking dark

FREY
And if you won’t wed my daughter,
Then your bastard line I’ll slaughter!
You’re surprised that I’m wroth?
You’re the one who broke his oath
Crossing us is worse than Lannister incest
You wed some foreign lass
So now I’ll have your ass
So slay the guest
They’re a pest
Now let’s end this Mummer’s jest
Slay our guest
Slay our guest
Slay our guest

I felt so dejected
As a Lord who’s not respected
When House Frey
Could never play
The Game of Thrones
Ah, those awful days when we were servants
Now at last we’ve come into our own.
Boy, you were too trusting
Your approach, it needs adjusting
It’s too bad that you won’t leave this hall alive
Too bad that you set foot in my castle
Guest right doesn’t phase me
Oh, you’re sorry? Oopsie daisy.

(CATELYN seizes WALDER’s wife by the throat)

CATELYN
We’re your guest
We’re your guest
We betrayed you, that’s confessed
Let us go,
No one will know
You’ve so immorally aggressed.
Spare my son, and spare me,
And I’ll let this girl go free

ROOSE
That attempt at extradition’s
Overplaying your…position

WALDER
Have a ball with that knife
I can get another wife
Who has got a tighter fit and nicer chest.
Now I hold all the cards

ROOSE
The Lannisters send their regards
From staying my guest

CHORUS
Slay our guest!

ROOSE
Be distressed. 

CHORUS
Slay our guest!

(ROOSE stabs Robb)

ALL 
Slay the guest!
Slay the guest!
You’ve no power to protest
For today, all the mercy of the Freys has been repressed
You will not venture forth
Fare thee well, King in the North

WALDER
Take your sorry and go shove it

CATELYN
Not my hair, Ned used to love it!

WALDER
Make an end!
Kill the bitch
Cut her throat
And send a note
To Lord Tywin telling him we’ve done his quest

FREYS
Don’t like Red Wedding days?
Then don’t offend the Freys
And stay as guests
Slay our guests
Slay our guests!

WALDER
Just slay our guests! 

Brienne

(If you’ve been wondering why I haven’t done any songs for Jaime and Brienne, here’s your answer. I’ve been building up to this.)

To the tune of “Belle” from “Beauty and the Beast.”

(We open with BRIENNE standing in RENLY’s tent while he negotiates with CATELYN. We hear her internal monologue)

BRIENNE
I must serve as Kingsguard to Renly
Every day, I must never quit
He will rule, and I will protect him
Til the end of days…

(The shadow floats in and stabs RENLY)

RENLY
Oh shit.

BRIENNE
Oh shit!

CATELYN
Oh shit.

(GUARDS rush in. BRIENNE stabs them both.)

GUARDS
Oh shit!
Oh shit!

CATELYN
If you don’t run out of this tent,
They’ll kill you.
You can’t avenge his murder, then.
Save your grief and every tear
'Cause you have to leave him here
If you want to stay alive,
Come on, Brienne!

(Cut to CATELYN and BRIENNE talking after she escapes)

BRIENNE
Lord Renly was the only King worth backing
A good man in a viper’s den
When it’s Stannis I attack
Promise you won’t hold me back

CATELYN
That’s a vow that I am glad to swear, Brienne.

(Cut to when BRIENNE kills the Stark men who raped the tavern men. She rams her sword through one of those SOLDIERS.)

BRIENNE
Didn’t you say
It was “two quick deaths?”

SOLDIER
Oh shit, this bitch can wield a knife

BRIENNE
Well, you just fucked with the wrong tomboy
'Cause I live more than a cisgendered life

JAIME (spoken)
Whoa, damn. Those were Stark men. I did not expect that.

BRIENNE (spoken)
I don’t serve the Starks. I serve Lady Catelyn. And it’s my job to get you to King’s Landing, so shut the hell up and come on.

JAIME (sung)
You realize we are gonna have to duel
The question isn’t “if,” but “when”
And if you’ll let me be real
I am kind of a big deal
Yes, I don’t think this fight will be fair, Brienne

BRIENNE
You think you’re so amazing
But your privileged crap won’t fly with me
Now, shut your mouth, Kingslayer
'Cause I won't discover that you're cool 'til Season 3

(Cut to JAIME and BRIENNE crossing the bridge)

JAIME
No wonder they call you “Brienne the Beauty!”
I shall not see your like again
I’m so tired and I’m bored…
(Steals her sword)
Never mind, I’ve got your sword
And your “beauty” can’t distract me, wench
Let’s hope you don’t fight badly, wench
So draw your sword, come at me, wench!

BRIENNE
Brienne!

(Cut to when BRIENNE is being dragged off to get raped by LOCKE’s men. JAIME tries to persuade him.)

LOCKE (spoken)
I got this, guys. When I rape her, she’ll get nice and wet, ‘cause I’m the greatest rapist in the whole world.

BRAVE COMPANIONS
We know.

LOCKE
No hymen alive stands a chance against me, and especially not her. She’s the one. The lucky butch cow I’m going to ravish. Drag her off.

(The BRAVE COMPANIONS drag BRIENNE off)

JAIME (sung)
Hey man, you know that girl’s knee deep in sapphires?
You could be rich beyond your ken
But you can’t exploit that fact
If her hymen ain’t intact
So go tell your men they’ve got to spare Brienne

LOCKE (sung)
You think you are the smartest person
So rich and strong and fucking grand
Well, pride like that will make things worsen
So now, Kingslayer, please give me a hand.

(Lops off JAIME’s hand. The next few lyrics are a montage running between BRIENNE talking JAIME out of killing himself, the bath scene, the dinner with ROOSE, etc)

JAIME
Oh shit!

BRIENNE
You wimp.
Kingslay—

JAIME
My name is Jaime!

ROOSE
Who took his hand?!

QYBURN
There will be pain.

JAIME
I’ll scream.

QYBURN
I’ll get the knife.

JAIME
Aerys was nuts.

ROOSE
Your sister’s fine.

BRIENNE
You killed the King!

JAIME
Well, can you blame me?!

(Cut to the bear pit scene, when BRIENNE has been thrown in.)

BRIENNE
So now farewell to this cisgendered life

(JAIME runs up to the edge and jumps in)

JAIME
Hey, Locke, your bear can suck my carving knife!
There is one way this girl is just like Cersei
She has more balls than other men
By her gender she is trapped
While I’m just handicapped
And I sense a kindred spirit there
So I will save this maiden fair
Now let’s escape this fucking bear…
Brienne!

LOCKE
Oh shit!

BOLTON SOLDIER
Oh shit!

(BEAR nearly grabs JAIME)

BRIENNE
Oh shit!

QYBURN
Oh shit!

JAIME
Oh shit!

BEAR
Roar roar!

You’re a Pawn I’ll Dismember

(Naturally, I know who “Boy” is, but this episode pretty much was the best chance to do this song, which I’ve meant to write for a while. There are mild spoilers in this, since some of the lyrics are references to other information. Enjoy.)

To the tune of “Once Upon a December” from “Anastasia”

(We are in the scene between THEON and “BOY.”)

"BOY"
I will rape, tear and rend
Friend, it’s pain you’ll remember
This has no happy end
You’re a pawn I’ll dismember

You’ll be whipped and flayed and torn
We don’t sew up the Ironborn
Scream until you cannot speak
And then you’ll be my Reek

(A chorus of PRISONERS moans and groans on their own torture crosses in harmony as BOY continues to torture THEON.)

BOY
Hope you like your torture porn
We don’t sew up the Ironborn
No one here can hear you shriek
And now you are my Reek

THEON
Come on, don’t flay me bro

BOY
But your skin is so tender!
Who am I? You don’t know
There is naught to remember
This has no happy end
You’re a pawn I’ll dismember

No song this week

But next week, if the trailers are at all accurate, there will be lyrical dissonance. A lot of it.

Khaleesi

(What else was I going to do a song about?)

To the tune of “Prince Ali” from “Aladdin”

(We open with DAENERYS being escorted to the plaza where the UNSULLIED will be sold to her, with MISSANDEI at her side. The SLAVERS are standing near the UNSULLIED.)

SLAVERS
Obey the Khaleesi!

MISSANDEI
This way, oh Khaleesi

(DAENERYS hands over her dragon to Kraznys, then addresses him in Valyrian.)

DAENERYS
Thanks for rebuilding my Khalasar
Now you will be screwed
Even worse than Xaro
Here in this Plaza, your ass is gonna fry

That’s right, slaving scum
Guess who has two thumbs
And will love to watch you die?

Khaleesi!
Now you will see
I’m a Targaryen
Here’s a switch
Dracarys, bitch
Don’t fuck with me

Those insults that you just flung
Were said in my native tongue
So now you’ll be checking my privilege
Painfully.

(To the UNSULLIED)

Khaleesi
Now you serve me,
Dany Targaryen
So please rip
People with whips
Murderously

This “stinking Westeros whore”
Just owned all of Astapor
Who’s mastered the art of war?
The Khaleesi

It was dumb, Master Krazyns, to mock me
I am deaf to each slaveholder’s plea
And I am still the queen of Dothraki
Now you’re going down
I run this town
And you’ll die just like Pyat Pree!

(she sings the next lines in unison with the UNSULLIED)

Khaleesi,
Says you are free
(There’s no question that this queen’s the keenest)
But this Targaryen
(And like us, she doesn’t have a penis)
Would enjoy
You as employed
Mercenaries!
(Everything about this girl scores admiration)

Who’s kicked tyrannical tush
(She’s seems like she is the one to guide us)
And made a westernized push?
(Like a hot, female Leonidas)
No, not George W. Bush,
(And we absolutely love emancipation)
The Khaleesi!

UNSULLIED
She’s got eight thousand pissed off Unsullied (Yeah, the Unsullied, we’re her Unsullied)
And a troop of half-starved Dothraki
And we all are just sick of being bullied
Now the whole world we are gonna slay
Soon Slaver’s Bay
Will be praising on bended knee
Khaleesi
Khaleesi
Khaleesi,
Imperial she,
Dany Targaryen!

DAENERYS
Like Abe Lincoln,
With a set of mammaries
So raise your spears to the sky
Where my three dragons all fly

ALL
'Cause we are killing Essos' lords
With a fleet of dragons and a storm of swords
And we aren’t quitting
Til I am sitting
The throne, and Westerosi
Obey the Khaleesi!

End of Your Father’s Pride

To the tune of “Friends on the Other Side” from “Princess and the Frog”

(If you follow this Tumblr and seriously expected me not to make a song out of this scene, I don’t know how you’ve missed my sense of humor. We start with LOCKE having just been persuaded to spare Brienne)

LOCKE
See you that you respect me, Lannister
I’ll interrogate. You confide.
Tell me true, if I release you
Will I be friend to your father’s pride?

(The other BRAVE COMPANIONS echo him)

BRAVE COMPANIONS
We’ll be friends to your father’s pride?

LOCKE (spoken)
I’m just fucking with you, Lannister. Ain’t a chance I’m betraying the Boltons, and while we’re on the subject…
(sung)
You think you’re a smart man?
That I’ll bow and scrape?
Just because I spared your ugly friend, it don’t
Mean you won’t get raped.

I control your future
And that future’s on the skids
You can’t get out of this with your dad
Your last name ain’t Malfoy, kid.

You’re a daft liar,
But for sapphires
I may let that affliction slide
But it’s the end of your father’s pride

BRAVE COMPANIONS
It’s the end of your father’s pride

LOCKE
Discard, discard, discard all hope
Your father’s dough is at the end of its rope
You tard, you tard, you’re so dead
You can’t pay me well enough to buy a new head

(to Brienne)

Now, listen bitch, don’t try to fuck with me
I don’t care shit for your nobility
(spoken)
I’m a noble myself on the Northern side
(sung)
You ain’t so fly
But right now, I know
You are worth more unmolested
For your daddy’s dough

(spoken) You could just get us off, pretty girl. Good for you that you’re rich. We’ll just leave you tied down. But your freedom cost gems.

(sung)
It’s your gems, it’s your gems, it’s your gems
We need
And if your gems are not forthcoming, then we’ll make your ass bleed

(to Jaime)
On you, Lannister,
I don’t wanna waste much time
You’ve pushed us round. It’s no fun.
You’ve been acting like a lover
To your sister as her brother
And thanks to your incest, we’re being pushed round by your son
But you are nothing without daddy
Here’s a way to remember, given to you for free

(spoken)
Take his hand. Come on, boys, you afraid to take the golden lion’s hand? (pulls out his knife) Yes…

LOCKE (and BRAVE COMPANIONS, sung)
Are you ready? (Are you ready)
Are you ready?
(Hacks off Jaime’s hand)
Mutilation central! (Mutilation central!)
Amputation central! (Amputation central!)
Manual separation central!
Can you feel it?
You’re helpless, you’re helpless, you’re helpless right now
I hope you’re pacified
(spoken)
Because this cut? It’s no stump.
(sung)
It’s the bleeding end of your father’s pride!

BRAVE COMPANIONS
You paid what we wanted.
Hope you don’t miss it now!

ALL
Hush!

You’re Dishonoring Us All

(Hello followers. Glad to be back now that Game of Thrones had its Season premiere. Here’s your first song parody for the new season. Think of it as all the “You fucked up” conversations from Episode 1.)

To the tune of “You’ll Bring Honor to Us All” from “Mulan”

(We start in the Hand of the King’s quarters. TYRION is telling TYWIN what he wants.)

TYRION
If contempt is all I can work with
Well, daddy, that’s no shock
Since you ask what I want, I’ll tell you:
It’s Casterly Rock.

TYWIN
You insult all my pride
Just by being born, you killed my bride
Fat chance, Tyrion. Request denied.
You’re dishonoring us all.

You’re my heir? No, not you
Japes and cunning are all you can do
Plus, I’m sick of all the whores you screw
You’re dishonoring us all

(We cut to STANNIS and MELISANDRE meeting with DAVOS)

MELISANDRE
You may have lost your family
While in Blackwater Bay
But if I had been there
They’d be alive today

(Back to TYWIN and TYRION)

TYWIN
You are foul, lame and gross
I can’t prove you’re not my kid, God knows
Why is Maury not in Westeros?
You’re dishonoring us all

(Cut to the MORMONT being angry at SAM)

MORMONT
The realm might die because of you,
You fat, pathetic slob
You should have sent the birds
You only had one job!

(Back to King’s Landing. TYWIN and TYRION alternate on the next lines)

TYWIN and TYRION
It’s too bad you’re not dead (You just wish I were dead)
Wish I could take off your swollen head (Aren’t you sorry I still have my head?)
No man takes a whore into my bed (What’s your problem with the girls I bed?)
You’re dishonoring us all (I’ve more honor than you all)

(Cut to the dinner between JOFFREY, MARGAERY, CERSEI and LORAS)

MARGAERY (spoken)
Your dress is exquisitely done, your grace.

CERSEI (spoken)
And your charity work shows such…talents.
(sung)
Bitch, I hate your beauty
Wish you didn’t show it
Oh well, you’re dressing like a slut
And you and I both know it.

(Back to the scene between TYRION and TYWIN)

TYWIN
Now get out of my sight
On this family name you are a blight
Plus, your accent isn’t even right
At your actions I’m appalled

MORMONT
Why did you just sit and cower?

MELISANDRE
You’d have won with all my power

TYWIN
To conclude this harangue
Whores you now are not allowed to bang
The next one you fuck, I swear I’ll hang
So stop thinking with your balls
You’re dishonoring us

MELISANDRE
You’re dishonoring us

MORMONT
You’re dishonoring us

CERSEI
You’re dishonoring us

ALL
You’re dishonoring us all!

This Tumblr is expanding

I will still be doing Disney song parodies for Game of Thrones, but as there are plenty of childhood movies that aren’t made by Disney with songs that could be parodied (the Don Bluth movies, for instance), I’m renaming this blog to “Childhood Meets Westeros.”

Given this broader focus, I’m also soliciting suggestions for songs I should parody using scenarios from the first two seasons of “Game of Thrones.” Suggest the song only, though - it’s not creativity if I get the concept handed to me on a platter, after all.

I Must Say I’m In Love

Because I have seriously shortchanged both Sansa and Drunk Cersei.

To the tune of “I Won’t Say I’m in Love” from “Hercules.”

(The scene is Maegor’s Holdfast. SANSA and CERSEI are trapped alone together. We are privy to SANSA’s internal monologue as CERSEI sings drunkenly like a gospel choir)

SANSA
I’ve been deprived by rotten judgment
It cost me everything I had
Now I am facing violation
The hell with honesty, it killed my dad

CERSEI (SANSA)
You must do my bidding.
If I had a cock, you’d suck it.
So enough of kidding,
You wish Joff would kick the bucket. (Oh noooooo)
Come on, just admit it
You think Joff’s a git and
Hate him, little dove

SANSA
Whoa, just act blase
I’m just praying, it’s cool

CERSEI
That will not fly.
You’re no liar, you fool

SANSA
No, come what may,
I must say I’m in love.

On Joffrey I was once obsessing
It felt so good when we hung out
But now I’m just his battered girlfriend
And if I mouth off, he’ll have my tongue out
Whoaaaa

CERSEI
You keep on denying
That you think about escaping
Sansa, I’m not buying
If we lose, you’ll get a raping
So stop praying, will you?
Ilyn Payne will kill you
If we lose this fucking war

SANSA
Whoaaaa
This ain’t okay
My dismay will just grow

CERSEI
I have to chide—
Regicide isn’t love.

SANSA
Shit, where is Shae?
I must say I’m in love!

CERSEI
Hey, here’s a tip:
Use your hips.
Don’t need love!

SANSA
She’s too shitfaced,
I must say it.
Oh yes, your grace,
I must say it.

CERSEI
Your lying stinks
We all know it’s not love.

SANSA
Whoa, I need a drink.
I must say I’m in love.

CERSEI (very drunkenly)
Shoop. Shoo doop.
Sha la la la la la…(exasperated sigh)