(If you’ve been wondering why I haven’t done any songs for Jaime and Brienne, here’s your answer. I’ve been building up to this.)

To the tune of “Belle” from “Beauty and the Beast.”

(We open with BRIENNE standing in RENLY’s tent while he negotiates with CATELYN. We hear her internal monologue)

BRIENNE
I must serve as Kingsguard to Renly
Every day, I must never quit
He will rule, and I will protect him
Til the end of days…

(The shadow floats in and stabs RENLY)

RENLY
Oh shit.

BRIENNE
Oh shit!

CATELYN
Oh shit.

(GUARDS rush in. BRIENNE stabs them both.)

GUARDS
Oh shit!
Oh shit!

CATELYN
If you don’t run out of this tent,
They’ll kill you.
You can’t avenge his murder, then.
Save your grief and every tear
‘Cause you have to leave him here
If you want to stay alive,
Come on, Brienne!

(Cut to CATELYN and BRIENNE talking after she escapes)

BRIENNE
Lord Renly was the only King worth backing
A good man in a viper’s den
When it’s Stannis I attack
Promise you won’t hold me back

CATELYN
That’s a vow that I am glad to swear, Brienne.

(Cut to when BRIENNE kills the Stark men who raped the tavern men. She rams her sword through one of those SOLDIERS.)

BRIENNE
Didn’t you say
It was “two quick deaths?”

SOLDIER
Oh shit, this bitch can wield a knife

BRIENNE
Well, you just fucked with the wrong tomboy
‘Cause I live more than a cisgendered life

JAIME (spoken)
Whoa, damn. Those were Stark men. I did not expect that.

BRIENNE (spoken)
I don’t serve the Starks. I serve Lady Catelyn. And it’s my job to get you to King’s Landing, so shut the hell up and come on.

JAIME (sung)
You realize we are gonna have to duel
The question isn’t “if,” but “when”
And if you’ll let me be real
I am kind of a big deal
Yes, I don’t think this fight will be fair, Brienne

BRIENNE
You think you’re so amazing
But your privileged crap won’t fly with me
Now, shut your mouth, Kingslayer
‘Cause I won’t discover that you’re cool ‘til Season 3

(Cut to JAIME and BRIENNE crossing the bridge)

JAIME
No wonder they call you “Brienne the Beauty!”
I shall not see your like again
I’m so tired and I’m bored…
(Steals her sword)
Never mind, I’ve got your sword
And your “beauty” can’t distract me, wench
Let’s hope you don’t fight badly, wench
So draw your sword, come at me, wench!

BRIENNE
Brienne!

(Cut to when BRIENNE is being dragged off to get raped by LOCKE’s men. JAIME tries to persuade him.)

LOCKE (spoken)
I got this, guys. When I rape her, she’ll get nice and wet, ‘cause I’m the greatest rapist in the whole world.

BRAVE COMPANIONS
We know.

LOCKE
No hymen alive stands a chance against me, and especially not her. She’s the one. The lucky butch cow I’m going to ravish. Drag her off.

(The BRAVE COMPANIONS drag BRIENNE off)

JAIME (sung)
Hey man, you know that girl’s knee deep in sapphires?
You could be rich beyond your ken
But you can’t exploit that fact
If her hymen ain’t intact
So go tell your men they’ve got to spare Brienne

LOCKE (sung)
You think you are the smartest person
So rich and strong and fucking grand
Well, pride like that will make things worsen
So now, Kingslayer, please give me a hand.

(Lops off JAIME’s hand. The next few lyrics are a montage running between BRIENNE talking JAIME out of killing himself, the bath scene, the dinner with ROOSE, etc)

JAIME
Oh shit!

BRIENNE
You wimp.
Kingslay—

JAIME
My name is Jaime!

ROOSE
Who took his hand?!

QYBURN
There will be pain.

JAIME
I’ll scream.

QYBURN
I’ll get the knife.

JAIME
Aerys was nuts.

ROOSE
Your sister’s fine.

BRIENNE
You killed the King!

JAIME
Well, can you blame me?!

(Cut to the bear pit scene, when BRIENNE has been thrown in.)

BRIENNE
So now farewell to this cisgendered life

(JAIME runs up to the edge and jumps in)

JAIME
Hey, Locke, your bear can suck my carving knife!
There is one way this girl is just like Cersei
She has more balls than other men
By her gender she is trapped
While I’m just handicapped
And I sense a kindred spirit there
So I will save this maiden fair
Now let’s escape this fucking bear…
Brienne!

LOCKE
Oh shit!

BOLTON SOLDIER
Oh shit!

(BEAR nearly grabs JAIME)

BRIENNE
Oh shit!

QYBURN
Oh shit!

JAIME
Oh shit!

BEAR
Roar roar!

(Naturally, I know who “Boy” is, but this episode pretty much was the best chance to do this song, which I’ve meant to write for a while. There are mild spoilers in this, since some of the lyrics are references to other information. Enjoy.)

To the tune of “Once Upon a December” from “Anastasia”

(We are in the scene between THEON and “BOY.”)

“BOY”
I will rape, tear and rend
Friend, it’s pain you’ll remember
This has no happy end
You’re a pawn I’ll dismember

You’ll be whipped and flayed and torn
We don’t sew up the Ironborn
Scream until you cannot speak
And then you’ll be my Reek

(A chorus of PRISONERS moans and groans on their own torture crosses in harmony as BOY continues to torture THEON.)

BOY
Hope you like your torture porn
We don’t sew up the Ironborn
No one here can hear you shriek
And now you are my Reek

THEON
Come on, don’t flay me bro

BOY
But your skin is so tender!
Who am I? You don’t know
There is naught to remember
This has no happy end
You’re a pawn I’ll dismember

But next week, if the trailers are at all accurate, there will be lyrical dissonance. A lot of it.

(What else was I going to do a song about?)

To the tune of “Prince Ali” from “Aladdin”

(We open with DAENERYS being escorted to the plaza where the UNSULLIED will be sold to her, with MISSANDEI at her side. The SLAVERS are standing near the UNSULLIED.)

SLAVERS
Obey the Khaleesi!

MISSANDEI
This way, oh Khaleesi

(DAENERYS hands over her dragon to Kraznys, then addresses him in Valyrian.)

DAENERYS
Thanks for rebuilding my Khalasar
Now you will be screwed
Even worse than Xaro
Here in this Plaza, your ass is gonna fry

That’s right, slaving scum
Guess who has two thumbs
And will love to watch you die?

Khaleesi!
Now you will see
I’m a Targaryen
Here’s a switch
Dracarys, bitch
Don’t fuck with me

Those insults that you just flung
Were said in my native tongue
So now you’ll be checking my privilege
Painfully.

(To the UNSULLIED)

Khaleesi
Now you serve me,
Dany Targaryen
So please rip
People with whips
Murderously

This “stinking Westeros whore”
Just owned all of Astapor
Who’s mastered the art of war?
The Khaleesi

It was dumb, Master Krazyns, to mock me
I am deaf to each slaveholder’s plea
And I am still the queen of Dothraki
Now you’re going down
I run this town
And you’ll die just like Pyat Pree!

(she sings the next lines in unison with the UNSULLIED)

Khaleesi,
Says you are free
(There’s no question that this queen’s the keenest)
But this Targaryen
(And like us, she doesn’t have a penis)
Would enjoy
You as employed
Mercenaries!
(Everything about this girl scores admiration)

Who’s kicked tyrannical tush
(She’s seems like she is the one to guide us)
And made a westernized push?
(Like a hot, female Leonidas)
No, not George W. Bush,
(And we absolutely love emancipation)
The Khaleesi!

UNSULLIED
She’s got eight thousand pissed off Unsullied (Yeah, the Unsullied, we’re her Unsullied)
And a troop of half-starved Dothraki
And we all are just sick of being bullied
Now the whole world we are gonna slay
Soon Slaver’s Bay
Will be praising on bended knee
Khaleesi
Khaleesi
Khaleesi,
Imperial she,
Dany Targaryen!

DAENERYS
Like Abe Lincoln,
With a set of mammaries
So raise your spears to the sky
Where my three dragons all fly

ALL
‘Cause we are killing Essos’ lords
With a fleet of dragons and a storm of swords
And we aren’t quitting
Til I am sitting
The throne, and Westerosi
Obey the Khaleesi!

To the tune of “Friends on the Other Side” from “Princess and the Frog”

(If you follow this Tumblr and seriously expected me not to make a song out of this scene, I don’t know how you’ve missed my sense of humor. We start with LOCKE having just been persuaded to spare Brienne)

LOCKE
See you that you respect me, Lannister
I’ll interrogate. You confide.
Tell me true, if I release you
Will I be friend to your father’s pride?

(The other BRAVE COMPANIONS echo him)

BRAVE COMPANIONS
We’ll be friends to your father’s pride?

LOCKE (spoken)
I’m just fucking with you, Lannister. Ain’t a chance I’m betraying the Boltons, and while we’re on the subject…
(sung)
You think you’re a smart man?
That I’ll bow and scrape?
Just because I spared your ugly friend, it don’t
Mean you won’t get raped.

I control your future
And that future’s on the skids
You can’t get out of this with your dad
Your last name ain’t Malfoy, kid.

You’re a daft liar,
But for sapphires
I may let that affliction slide
But it’s the end of your father’s pride

BRAVE COMPANIONS
It’s the end of your father’s pride

LOCKE
Discard, discard, discard all hope
Your father’s dough is at the end of its rope
You tard, you tard, you’re so dead
You can’t pay me well enough to buy a new head

(to Brienne)

Now, listen bitch, don’t try to fuck with me
I don’t care shit for your nobility
(spoken)
I’m a noble myself on the Northern side
(sung)
You ain’t so fly
But right now, I know
You are worth more unmolested
For your daddy’s dough

(spoken) You could just get us off, pretty girl. Good for you that you’re rich. We’ll just leave you tied down. But your freedom cost gems.

(sung)
It’s your gems, it’s your gems, it’s your gems
We need
And if your gems are not forthcoming, then we’ll make your ass bleed

(to Jaime)
On you, Lannister,
I don’t wanna waste much time
You’ve pushed us round. It’s no fun.
You’ve been acting like a lover
To your sister as her brother
And thanks to your incest, we’re being pushed round by your son
But you are nothing without daddy
Here’s a way to remember, given to you for free

(spoken)
Take his hand. Come on, boys, you afraid to take the golden lion’s hand? (pulls out his knife) Yes…

LOCKE (and BRAVE COMPANIONS, sung)
Are you ready? (Are you ready)
Are you ready?
(Hacks off Jaime’s hand)
Mutilation central! (Mutilation central!)
Amputation central! (Amputation central!)
Manual separation central!
Can you feel it?
You’re helpless, you’re helpless, you’re helpless right now
I hope you’re pacified
(spoken)
Because this cut? It’s no stump.
(sung)
It’s the bleeding end of your father’s pride!

BRAVE COMPANIONS
You paid what we wanted.
Hope you don’t miss it now!

ALL
Hush!

(Hello followers. Glad to be back now that Game of Thrones had its Season premiere. Here’s your first song parody for the new season. Think of it as all the “You fucked up” conversations from Episode 1.)

To the tune of “You’ll Bring Honor to Us All” from “Mulan”

(We start in the Hand of the King’s quarters. TYRION is telling TYWIN what he wants.)

TYRION
If contempt is all I can work with
Well, daddy, that’s no shock
Since you ask what I want, I’ll tell you:
It’s Casterly Rock.

TYWIN
You insult all my pride
Just by being born, you killed my bride
Fat chance, Tyrion. Request denied.
You’re dishonoring us all.

You’re my heir? No, not you
Japes and cunning are all you can do
Plus, I’m sick of all the whores you screw
You’re dishonoring us all

(We cut to STANNIS and MELISANDRE meeting with DAVOS)

MELISANDRE
You may have lost your family
While in Blackwater Bay
But if I had been there
They’d be alive today

(Back to TYWIN and TYRION)

TYWIN
You are foul, lame and gross
I can’t prove you’re not my kid, God knows
Why is Maury not in Westeros?
You’re dishonoring us all

(Cut to the MORMONT being angry at SAM)

MORMONT
The realm might die because of you,
You fat, pathetic slob
You should have sent the birds
You only had one job!

(Back to King’s Landing. TYWIN and TYRION alternate on the next lines)

TYWIN and TYRION
It’s too bad you’re not dead (You just wish I were dead)
Wish I could take off your swollen head (Aren’t you sorry I still have my head?)
No man takes a whore into my bed (What’s your problem with the girls I bed?)
You’re dishonoring us all (I’ve more honor than you all)

(Cut to the dinner between JOFFREY, MARGAERY, CERSEI and LORAS)

MARGAERY (spoken)
Your dress is exquisitely done, your grace.

CERSEI (spoken)
And your charity work shows such…talents.
(sung)
Bitch, I hate your beauty
Wish you didn’t show it
Oh well, you’re dressing like a slut
And you and I both know it.

(Back to the scene between TYRION and TYWIN)

TYWIN
Now get out of my sight
On this family name you are a blight
Plus, your accent isn’t even right
At your actions I’m appalled

MORMONT
Why did you just sit and cower?

MELISANDRE
You’d have won with all my power

TYWIN
To conclude this harangue
Whores you now are not allowed to bang
The next one you fuck, I swear I’ll hang
So stop thinking with your balls
You’re dishonoring us

MELISANDRE
You’re dishonoring us

MORMONT
You’re dishonoring us

CERSEI
You’re dishonoring us

ALL
You’re dishonoring us all!

I will still be doing Disney song parodies for Game of Thrones, but as there are plenty of childhood movies that aren’t made by Disney with songs that could be parodied (the Don Bluth movies, for instance), I’m renaming this blog to “Childhood Meets Westeros.”

Given this broader focus, I’m also soliciting suggestions for songs I should parody using scenarios from the first two seasons of “Game of Thrones.” Suggest the song only, though - it’s not creativity if I get the concept handed to me on a platter, after all.

Because I have seriously shortchanged both Sansa and Drunk Cersei.

To the tune of “I Won’t Say I’m in Love” from “Hercules.”

(The scene is Maegor’s Holdfast. SANSA and CERSEI are trapped alone together. We are privy to SANSA’s internal monologue as CERSEI sings drunkenly like a gospel choir)

SANSA
I’ve been deprived by rotten judgment
It cost me everything I had
Now I am facing violation
The hell with honesty, it killed my dad

CERSEI (SANSA)
You must do my bidding.
If I had a cock, you’d suck it.
So enough of kidding,
You wish Joff would kick the bucket. (Oh noooooo)
Come on, just admit it
You think Joff’s a git and
Hate him, little dove

SANSA
Whoa, just act blase
I’m just praying, it’s cool

CERSEI
That will not fly.
You’re no liar, you fool

SANSA
No, come what may,
I must say I’m in love.

On Joffrey I was once obsessing
It felt so good when we hung out
But now I’m just his battered girlfriend
And if I mouth off, he’ll have my tongue out
Whoaaaa

CERSEI
You keep on denying
That you think about escaping
Sansa, I’m not buying
If we lose, you’ll get a raping
So stop praying, will you?
Ilyn Payne will kill you
If we lose this fucking war

SANSA
Whoaaaa
This ain’t okay
My dismay will just grow

CERSEI
I have to chide—
Regicide isn’t love.

SANSA
Shit, where is Shae?
I must say I’m in love!

CERSEI
Hey, here’s a tip:
Use your hips.
Don’t need love!

SANSA
She’s too shitfaced,
I must say it.
Oh yes, your grace,
I must say it.

CERSEI
Your lying stinks
We all know it’s not love.

SANSA
Whoa, I need a drink.
I must say I’m in love.

CERSEI (very drunkenly)
Shoop. Shoo doop.
Sha la la la la la…(exasperated sigh)
 

To the tune of “I’ve Got a Dream” from “Tangled.”

(Essentially, consider this the entirety of “Valar Morghulis” distilled down to a single song. We open with MARGAERY and LORAS asking JOFFREY to marry MARGAERY)

LORAS (spoken, to himself)
I had a scheme once…

MARGAERY (sung, to JOFFREY)
You can swing and thrust and parry
You’re cunning, shrewd and wary
And some call you a military genius
So despite your ratty face
And your temper, please, your grace
Make me your wife and fuck me with your penis

‘Cause I picked this dress out just to make you horny
And my boobs might split it at the seams
So please spare me the disruption
Of a huge wardrobe malfunction
And take me, ‘cause you know I’ve got a scheme

LORAS/MARGAERY
We’ve got a scheme
We’ve got a scheme

MARGAERY
And although my bro bats for the other team
I will only bat for Joffrey
So please rip this dress right off me
Please marry me, your grace, I’ve got a scheme

(The TYRELL soldiers harmonize as JOFFREY agrees. SANSA is extremely happy until LITTLEFINGER catches her and starts singing)

LITTLEFINGER
Listen, Joffrey never loses
Enjoy the rapes and bruises
But I could offer you some real protection
And if you don’t act the brat
By friend-zoning me like Cat
I think that we could make a real connection.
Like your mother, you’re a special little lady 
Even if you have no self-esteem
Joffrey’s one sadistic sire
And you’re such a shitty liar
So run off with me, girl, I’ve got a scheme

(A group of WHORES come out of nowhere as backup singers for LITTLEFINGER)

WHORES
He’s got a scheme
He’s got a scheme

LITTLEFINGER
And you shouldn’t be Joff’s toy to let off steam
I will give you all you may wish
If you’ll just be Sansa Baelish
So run off with me girl, I’ve got a scheme

 (Cut to VARYS and ROS)

VARYS
You should quit and be my little birdie

(Cut to STANNIS and MELISANDRE)

STANNIS
I have sent my brother to his pyre.

MELISANDRE
Dude, you can’t retire
Take a gander at my fire!

(Cut to THEON rallying the IRONBORN)

THEON
Ironborn!
We don’t sow!
What is dead—

DAGMER
Cool story, bro.
But we are taking all our shit and going home.

(Cut to TYRION and SHAE)

SHAE (spoken)
What about you?

TYRION (spoken)
I’m sorry, what?

SHAE
What have you got left to scheme about here? All these people suck. 

TYRION
I’m sorry Shae, but I don’t sing. Not even for women I pay.

SHAE (sung)
I like boys like you, no, really
You think you’re not appealing
And so you pay the girls to think you’re funny
I almost got raped and died
Just to say one last good bye
So Tyrion, my lion, fuck your money

(Cut to ARYA explaining to JAQEN why she can’t come with him)

ARYA (JAQEN)
I’ve got a scheme (You’ve got a scheme?)
I’ve got a scheme (You’ve got a scheme)
Though your killing coin I wish I could redeem
I’m too dutiful to do this
Later man, Valar Morghulis!
I’ve gotta find my mom. I’ve got a scheme.

(Cut to SAM watching in horror as the WHITE WALKERS march past.)

WHITE WALKERS (SAM)
We’ve got a scheme (They’ve got a scheme)
We’ve got a scheme (They’ve got a scheme)
And we’re gonna make your dead all join our team
With Nazgul screams!
Stupid men, you’ll never thwart us
‘Cause we’ve conquered rigor mortis
We’re marching on the wall, we’ve got a scheme

(We flash through each of the scenes, with various different members of the cast singing)

MARGAERY
I’ve got a scheme…

LITTLEFINGER
I’ve got a scheme…

MELISANDRE
I’ve got a scheme…

SHAE
I’ve got a scheme…

ARYA
I’ve got a scheme…

WHITE WALKERS
We’ve got a scheme…

ALL
Just wait for season 3, we’ve got a scheme!
Yeah! 

The Patriarch of the Lannisters definitely needs to get his due now that he’s marching. And since this coming episode is where war hits, this needs to be done.

To the tune of “Mine, Mine, Mine” from Pocahontas.

(The song takes place in TYWIN’s council chambers in Harrenhal, where ARYA is serving as his cupbearer. TYWIN is debriefing his troops on movements)

TYWIN
The Rains being crushed,
And King Robert’s strivings,
Are mere children’s scuffles to this war of Five Kings. 
The Northerners raid, while Stannis, he sails,
When the fields are barren, all,
We’ll march from Harrenhal

Win, men, win every battle
And kill, men, kill like Clegane
You’re a Lord’s men.
Swords, men! 
Plough through their bowels
We now can’t allow our foes’ tactics to even begin
We’ll fight, and we’ll win, win, win!

(GREGOR and his GANG stand and begin singing)

GREGOR and GANG
Kill, kill, and killety kill, and kill, and killety…

TYWIN
My bloody money, my bloody money,
It will finance that
My bloody money, my bloody money,
Will make you bold
My bloody money, my bloody money,
Shows there’s no chance that
They’ll beat a man who can shit gold!

GREGOR and GANG
Killety kill!

TYWIN
Our rivals up North,
I’m sick of them awfully
They’d be staying home
If not for that fool Joffrey
Too bad Westeros has not learned of coffee
To beat that Stark blighter
We must pull all-nighters
To win, win,
Win without fail
We’ll win, men, win for your Lord
Because Stannis
Can kiss
All of our asses
I’ll teach that bitch classes
On how a House saves its own skin
’ Cause Lannister House will win!

GANG
Kill, kill and killety-kill
Kill, kill and killety-kill!

(ARYA sings to herself on the side)

ARYA
Soon as I leave I will give Tywin’s name to Jaqen
He acts like my dad, but so what, he’ll still pay for his sin
Lannisters are even worse than those shits with the kraken
I will win at this game
By picking his name
Thanks to me, then House Stark will win

TYWIN
Just be willing, lads

ARYA
Win…

TYWIN
To keep killing lads,
Win, boys, win! Win me this war!

GANG
Kill, kill, and killety—

TYWIN
Make them our whore!
It’s part of my name, Tywin:
“I win!”
Take all the knights, boys,
I need you to fight, boys
So I can save all of my kin

ARYA
I’m not on my own

TYWIN
With fire and stone…

ARYA
He’ll die, it is known.

TYWIN
They all will be pwned…

GANG and TYWIN
In this game of thrones

GANG
He’ll cause lasting fear…

TYWIN
We’ll…

GANG
Just like Castamere

TYWIN
Win…
Win…

GANG
We will slaughter
En route to Blackwater
And…

TYWIN
WIN!

GANG
Kill, and kill, and killety kill
His bloody money will win!