Childhood Meets Westeros
You’ll Shit Gold

Yet another number that’s been a long time coming.

To the tune of “Let It Go” from “Frozen”

(TYRION finds SHAE in his father’s quarters, and begins strangling her
with the Hand’s chain)

You had to be be
Someone who treated me
Like I was a human being.
You told me I was your lion
Then you sold out to the queen
Turns out that I’m the man
From whom you had to hide
Couldn’t keep you safe
Heaven knows I tried.


When I was born
You wished me dead
Now I’ve hung the
Whore who was in your bed.
I’ve slipped your grip and you weren’t told

(He kicks down the door to TYWIN’s privy and levels the crossbow at him)
Now you’ve been told.

You’ll shit gold
You’ll shit gold
You’re losing this final war
You’ll shit gold
You’ll shit gold
I will shoot if you say whore
And now dad,
You’ll end up like Shae
Now your son is gone
Wish you’d never fathered me anyway

You’ve hated my existence.
But dad, I’m you writ small.
And just like in Castamere, dad,
Today’s the day you fall.

You thought you’d won the game, and yet
Your final move has been upset.
Now dad, behold your legacy:
It’s me!

You’ll shit gold
You’ll shit gold
When I shoot you between the thighs
You’ll shit gold
You’ll shit gold
I sentence you to die
From now on,
I do things my way.
Now your son is gone.
Your power will not help you in the Seven Hells
This is for Sansa, Robb Stark and for Elia Martell.
In coats of gold or red, this lion still has claws
And mine are long and sharp, as long and sharp as yours!

You’ll shit gold
You’ll shit gold
But one Lannister will live on
He who’ll hold
All your gold
Is your most hated spawn
All your debts
It’s now time to pay
'Cause your son is gone.

(Fires the crossbow)
Wish you’d never fathered me anyway.
Gregor (UPDATED)

Given what happened this week, this song was due for an update.
To the tune of “Gaston” from “Beauty and the Beast”

(GREGOR is busily chopping up peasants while CERSEI looks on, impressed. He is visibly angry.)

Who does he think he is? That Viper has tangled with the wrong dog. No one challenges Gregor!

Darn right!

And all for something I did to relieve stress years ago. It’s more than I can bear.

More peasants?

What for? Nothing helps. I’m insulted.

Ser Gregor, you’ve got to pull yourself together.

Everyone’s scared who has met you, Gregor
At Oberyn you should scoff!
Nobody here would upset you Gregor
You would just rip their head off

Human life isn’t a factor for you
You make all your enemies die
HBO can’t keep an actor for you
And it’s not very hard to see why

No one kills like Gregor
Has the skills of Gregor
Can enforce Tywin Lannister’s will
Like Gregor
'Cause there's no Westerosi so beastly
You made Elia your whore
You can take all the peasants so measly
And then tickle them til they can’t take anymore

No one rapes like Gregor
Makes cruel japes like Gregor
No one hurts those who try to escape
Like Gregor

Rape beats all that consensual copulating

God, what a dog, that Gregor
With Martell blood upon your hands

I beat their heads off
I make Joff-
Rey look grand!

None can chase like Gregor
Swing a mace like Gregor
Or set fire to a sibling’s face like Gregor
For you’re great at abuses of power

Though I serve evil aristocrats

Your interrogate worse than Jack Bauer

Damn straight!
That pansy can’t do the shit I do with rats!

No one’s sick like Gregor
Gets his kicks like Gregor
And makes boys piss their pants while he picks
Like Gregor

I’m especially good at decapitating


(Chops off his horse’s head)

Ten points for Gregor!

When I was a lad I would torture my bro
Every evening to help me get tough
And now that I’m grown I just kill peoples’ foes
'Cause the torture is never enough!

God, what a dog, that Gregor
There’s no Lord like Gregor
None use swords like Gregor
No one breaks the Geneva Accords like Gregor

And to peasants I’m totally captivating!

God what a dog, Gregor! 

(Later on, CERSEI goes to TYWIN)

Now father, I fear I’ve been thinking

TYWIN (dryly)
A dangerous pastime.

I know.
But with Martell as Tyrion’s champion
We might have to let Tyrion go
For the wheels are constantly turning
In that dwarf’s little repulsive head

You’re being paranoid, trust me
When all this is done
Tyrion and Martell will be dead

No one’s tall as Gregor
Kils ‘em all like Gregor
Hell, Inigo Montoya would fall to Gregor
'Cause while Oberyn may think that he will
Get vengeance for all of his hates
Gregor’s a machine built for evil
Just like Andre the Giant crossed with Norman Bates

No one’s fast like Gregor
No one’s vast like Gregor
If he dies, we can always recast a Gregor

And a viper he’ll soon be eviscerating
God what a dog, Gregor!

When They’re/You’re Hearsed, I’m His Forever

To the tune of “For the First Time in Forever/For the First Time in Forever (Reprise)”

(We open in the Eyrie, where LYSA is reflecting on her complicity in poisoning Jon Arryn and Joffrey)

Jon Arryn was such a bloody bore
No matter that his murder caused a war.
'Cause now I'm safe from any dire straits
I’m safe behind these mountain walls
Even if every kingdom falls
Finally, I’ll have my choice of mates

I can actually get back Petyr
If I just follow his plan
Chaos is a ladder to my man!

'Cause when they're hearsed, I'm his forever
Once I leave this poison’s mark
When they’re hearsed, I’m his forever
While Cat got stuck with Eddard Stark

They were serving her all of the sweet things
What I got was sick and old
But when they’re hearsed, I’m his forever
And that’s best served cold

I can’t wait for him to meet my son! (gasp) Soon it’ll be his son!

(to ROBIN)
When I wed the Lord of Harrenhal
He will accept you warts and all
And you will know a father’s true embrace
There’s not a wish of yours he’ll deny
You can make all the bad men fly
And then shove both my breasts into your face
'Cause while I know you're still breastfeeding
Which is not at all bizarre
Petyr will still love you as you are!

'Cause when they're hearsed, I'm his forever
No more husband, no more Joff
When they’re hearsed, I’m his forever
Because they both will have been offed

And I know I act totally crazy
But it’s only for my love
'Cause when they're hearsed, I'm his forever
Isn’t that enough?

(We cut to LITTLEFINGER guiding SANSA toward the Eyrie.)

Pull up your hood,
Don’t let them see
Be a good liar, ‘cause you have to be
You’ve slipped
Their grip
But they have gold
Make one wrong move,
And Cersei will be told
Because you’ve got away

I’ve finally got my way

I’m master of your fate

I’m master of my fate

Lysa, open up the bloody gate!

The gate!
'Cause now they're hearsed, I'm his forever

Pull up your hood, don’t let them see…

And now we’ll settle all our scores

Be a good liar, ‘cause you have to be

I’ll have the man for whom I’d die

Don’t slip.

The man I have killed for!

You’ve slipped their grip,
And they weren’t told.

And though we have caused a nightmare
I still get to have my dream
'Cause now they're hearsed, I'm his forever
Now they’re hearsed, I’m his forever
And I’m gonna scream!

(We skip to when LYSA is trying to shove SANSA through the Moon Door)

I will send my flesh and blood
Right through the moon door
You will not become my Petyr’s little whore

'Cause when you're hearsed, I'm his forever
You’ll fly, and then you will land
When you’re hearsed i’m his forever
Because Petyr has my hand

You’ve put me at the end of my tether
And your punishment’s severe
'Cause when you're hearsed, I'm his forever
I won’t have you here!

(LITTLEFINGER enters and begins to try to soothe her)

Just please calm down
You are my mate
Just let Sansa free, and step back from the gate


I know! It’s for love, but let her go
We consummated our love long ago
Don’t kill her over one kiss in the snow

But I’ve not forgot!

Neither have I ‘forgot.’

I lied and killed them all for you!

Yes, I know that’s true.

When we’re threatened, this is what I do!

Oh, my sweet silly wife. Just let her go and everything will be alright.

I destroyed my entire family just to have you! I waited all this time! You never cared! You were too busy mooning over Cat! But not anymore! You’re mine! You’re always mine!
'Cause when she's hearsed, you're mine forever
There’ll be no Catelyn spawn left then

Shhh, it’s over now, and you’re with me

We have been truly bound together

You are a Baelish now, not a Tully
Come here and have a cry

Ordained by both Gods and men!

Yes, so long as Sansa doesn’t die

I own you!

Throughout the world
I’ve loved one girl

It will be finished when…


Oh my Petyr, you’re so clever
When this whore’s gone to the nether
Then nobody will make us part again!

Ohhhhh…nly Cat!

(LITTLEFINGER throws LYSA through the Moon Door)

In Winter

(My sense of humor is sick, in case it wasn’t obvious.)

To the tune of “In Summer” from “Frozen”

(The scene: The WHITE WALKER who has taken Craster’s son is singing to him about how awesome being a White Walker will be)

You’ve been saved
Your species soon will meet its grave
But you won’t act how mammals behave
In winter

When you truly freeze
Your life’ll be awesome as you please
Vibrant as the deciduous trees
In winter!

You’ll finally see a winter storm blow away a summer breeze
And find out what happens to blood beneath 95 degrees
And we’ll go visit Mance
Make the Night’s Watch all piss their pants
As we make our slow, relentless advance
In winter!

Da da ba boo ah bah bah bah bah bah boo
Look, kid, you should know, the white walkers rule
Join us and you can be super cool!
Ratdatdat, dadadadadoo
Humans might say they’ll remember you fondly
But join the White Walkers and you’ll be a…

(A WIGHT shambles by mumbling “Braaaaiiins…”)

…Happy baby!
Undeath is tough, but you can hold on to your dream
Here in the ice, just practicing your best ringwraith scream

Oh your eyes’ll be blue
And your mom’ll have them, too
When we finally do what White Walkers do
In winter

I’m gonna tell the kid.

Don’t you dare!
In winter….!

We’ll Grow Strong

To the tune of “Be Prepared” from “The Lion King”

(We open in the gardens of King’s Landing, with OLENNA Tyrell, MARGAERY, LORAS and the rest of the Tyrell GIRLS conspiring after the meeting with Sansa in Season 3)

OLENNA (to LORAS, spoken)
I don’t think you really deserve her. I practically gift-wrapped Renly’s claim. And you couldn’t even keep him safe.

LORAS (spoken)
It’s not exactly like I could stop Brienne. And what are we supposed to do now? Kill Joffrey?

I know that King Joffrey’s ascension
Was as dirty as Loras’ backside
But kindly feel no apprehension
His reign will soon be rectified

It’s clear from that girl’s blank expression
Her wits are a traumatized wreck
But we’ll ensure Tommen’s succession
With a jewel placed right round her neck

We’ve grown strong with our bountiful harvests
We’ve grown strong without sword, fire or helm
A peaceful new era
Is tip-toeing nearer
The rape and defiling
We’ll leave to Lord Tywin
Once this war is sorted
Then we’ll be supported
Because we are feeding the realm.
It’s a plan that can never go wrong.
We’ll grow strong!

LORAS (spoken)
Yeah, we’ll grow strong! (thinks) What does that mean?

The death of King Joffrey.

Why, is he sick?

No, Loras, we’re going to kill him, and Sansa, too.

Great idea! I’m fabulous enough to be the only queen Westeros needs! No queen, no queen, la la la la la.

Idiot. There will be a queen.

But you said…

OLENNA (pointing to a portrait of MARGAERY)
She will be queen. Thanks to her, Westeros knows they’ll never go hungry again.

Long live the Queen!
Long live the Queen!

The lions and wolves make men cower
But our queen will be kindly and fair

It’s truly a must for soft power
That all shall love her and despair
And unlike Eddard Stark’s beheading
Where all the blame fell on Joffrey
When we strike at this royal wedding
They’ll think it’s the Imp and not me.
We’ll grow strong as we fertilize Joffrey
We’ll grow strong, but through love and not fear
This plan cannot wreck us
So pick a good necklace
And Joffrey will die well
To raise up House Tyrell

GIRLS and LORAS (synonymous with above)
Ooooooh, la la la!
There’ll be food
Lots of food
But, this feast,
Joff’s deceased

The throne we usurp’ll
Be stained rich and purple
But bloodless, unlike Castamere
Yes, our thorns are as sharp and as long
We’ll grow strong!

Yes, our thorns are as sharp and as long
We’ll grow strong!

Slay Our Guest

(I realize all of you are probably reeling in pain from tonight’s episode. But inappropriate humor waits for no fan, and besides, I read the books and have been waiting to post this song since I started writing this Tumblr. Enjoy, or yell at me, whichever seems best to you.)

Slay Our Guest

To the tune of “Be Our Guest” from “Beauty and the Beast.”

Slay our guest
Slay our guest
This affront can’t be redressed
You apologized for shaming me,
But boy, I’m not impressed.
It’s just like Castamere
You ain’t got no guest right here!

'Cause the Tullys were seditious,
Now we’re lions, fuck the fishes
This is just how we roll
Yes, the Freys exact our toll
And this time the toll’s the heart within your breast
We’ll fuck you in the bedding
Heh, this IS a wedding!
Slay our guest
They’re no guest!
Slay our guest.

Bolton and Walder Frey
Kill when they don’t get their way
They’ve prepared and now they’ll share
A nuptial auto-da-fe!
You’re alone, little Stark
Now the future’s looking dark

And if you won’t wed my daughter,
Then your bastard line I’ll slaughter!
You’re surprised that I’m wroth?
You’re the one who broke his oath
Crossing us is worse than Lannister incest
You wed some foreign lass
So now I’ll have your ass
So slay the guest
They’re a pest
Now let’s end this Mummer’s jest
Slay our guest
Slay our guest
Slay our guest

I felt so dejected
As a Lord who’s not respected
When House Frey
Could never play
The Game of Thrones
Ah, those awful days when we were servants
Now at last we’ve come into our own.
Boy, you were too trusting
Your approach, it needs adjusting
It’s too bad that you won’t leave this hall alive
Too bad that you set foot in my castle
Guest right doesn’t phase me
Oh, you’re sorry? Oopsie daisy.

(CATELYN seizes WALDER’s wife by the throat)

We’re your guest
We’re your guest
We betrayed you, that’s confessed
Let us go,
No one will know
You’ve so immorally aggressed.
Spare my son, and spare me,
And I’ll let this girl go free

That attempt at extradition’s
Overplaying your…position

Have a ball with that knife
I can get another wife
Who has got a tighter fit and nicer chest.
Now I hold all the cards

The Lannisters send their regards
From staying my guest

Slay our guest!

Be distressed. 

Slay our guest!

(ROOSE stabs Robb)

Slay the guest!
Slay the guest!
You’ve no power to protest
For today, all the mercy of the Freys has been repressed
You will not venture forth
Fare thee well, King in the North

Take your sorry and go shove it

Not my hair, Ned used to love it!

Make an end!
Kill the bitch
Cut her throat
And send a note
To Lord Tywin telling him we’ve done his quest

Don’t like Red Wedding days?
Then don’t offend the Freys
And stay as guests
Slay our guests
Slay our guests!

Just slay our guests! 


(If you’ve been wondering why I haven’t done any songs for Jaime and Brienne, here’s your answer. I’ve been building up to this.)

To the tune of “Belle” from “Beauty and the Beast.”

(We open with BRIENNE standing in RENLY’s tent while he negotiates with CATELYN. We hear her internal monologue)

I must serve as Kingsguard to Renly
Every day, I must never quit
He will rule, and I will protect him
Til the end of days…

(The shadow floats in and stabs RENLY)

Oh shit.

Oh shit!

Oh shit.

(GUARDS rush in. BRIENNE stabs them both.)

Oh shit!
Oh shit!

If you don’t run out of this tent,
They’ll kill you.
You can’t avenge his murder, then.
Save your grief and every tear
'Cause you have to leave him here
If you want to stay alive,
Come on, Brienne!

(Cut to CATELYN and BRIENNE talking after she escapes)

Lord Renly was the only King worth backing
A good man in a viper’s den
When it’s Stannis I attack
Promise you won’t hold me back

That’s a vow that I am glad to swear, Brienne.

(Cut to when BRIENNE kills the Stark men who raped the tavern men. She rams her sword through one of those SOLDIERS.)

Didn’t you say
It was “two quick deaths?”

Oh shit, this bitch can wield a knife

Well, you just fucked with the wrong tomboy
'Cause I live more than a cisgendered life

JAIME (spoken)
Whoa, damn. Those were Stark men. I did not expect that.

BRIENNE (spoken)
I don’t serve the Starks. I serve Lady Catelyn. And it’s my job to get you to King’s Landing, so shut the hell up and come on.

JAIME (sung)
You realize we are gonna have to duel
The question isn’t “if,” but “when”
And if you’ll let me be real
I am kind of a big deal
Yes, I don’t think this fight will be fair, Brienne

You think you’re so amazing
But your privileged crap won’t fly with me
Now, shut your mouth, Kingslayer
'Cause I won't discover that you're cool 'til Season 3

(Cut to JAIME and BRIENNE crossing the bridge)

No wonder they call you “Brienne the Beauty!”
I shall not see your like again
I’m so tired and I’m bored…
(Steals her sword)
Never mind, I’ve got your sword
And your “beauty” can’t distract me, wench
Let’s hope you don’t fight badly, wench
So draw your sword, come at me, wench!


(Cut to when BRIENNE is being dragged off to get raped by LOCKE’s men. JAIME tries to persuade him.)

LOCKE (spoken)
I got this, guys. When I rape her, she’ll get nice and wet, ‘cause I’m the greatest rapist in the whole world.

We know.

No hymen alive stands a chance against me, and especially not her. She’s the one. The lucky butch cow I’m going to ravish. Drag her off.


JAIME (sung)
Hey man, you know that girl’s knee deep in sapphires?
You could be rich beyond your ken
But you can’t exploit that fact
If her hymen ain’t intact
So go tell your men they’ve got to spare Brienne

LOCKE (sung)
You think you are the smartest person
So rich and strong and fucking grand
Well, pride like that will make things worsen
So now, Kingslayer, please give me a hand.

(Lops off JAIME’s hand. The next few lyrics are a montage running between BRIENNE talking JAIME out of killing himself, the bath scene, the dinner with ROOSE, etc)

Oh shit!

You wimp.

My name is Jaime!

Who took his hand?!

There will be pain.

I’ll scream.

I’ll get the knife.

Aerys was nuts.

Your sister’s fine.

You killed the King!

Well, can you blame me?!

(Cut to the bear pit scene, when BRIENNE has been thrown in.)

So now farewell to this cisgendered life

(JAIME runs up to the edge and jumps in)

Hey, Locke, your bear can suck my carving knife!
There is one way this girl is just like Cersei
She has more balls than other men
By her gender she is trapped
While I’m just handicapped
And I sense a kindred spirit there
So I will save this maiden fair
Now let’s escape this fucking bear…

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

(BEAR nearly grabs JAIME)

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Roar roar!

You’re a Pawn I’ll Dismember

(Naturally, I know who “Boy” is, but this episode pretty much was the best chance to do this song, which I’ve meant to write for a while. There are mild spoilers in this, since some of the lyrics are references to other information. Enjoy.)

To the tune of “Once Upon a December” from “Anastasia”

(We are in the scene between THEON and “BOY.”)

I will rape, tear and rend
Friend, it’s pain you’ll remember
This has no happy end
You’re a pawn I’ll dismember

You’ll be whipped and flayed and torn
We don’t sew up the Ironborn
Scream until you cannot speak
And then you’ll be my Reek

(A chorus of PRISONERS moans and groans on their own torture crosses in harmony as BOY continues to torture THEON.)

Hope you like your torture porn
We don’t sew up the Ironborn
No one here can hear you shriek
And now you are my Reek

Come on, don’t flay me bro

But your skin is so tender!
Who am I? You don’t know
There is naught to remember
This has no happy end
You’re a pawn I’ll dismember

No song this week

But next week, if the trailers are at all accurate, there will be lyrical dissonance. A lot of it.


(What else was I going to do a song about?)

To the tune of “Prince Ali” from “Aladdin”

(We open with DAENERYS being escorted to the plaza where the UNSULLIED will be sold to her, with MISSANDEI at her side. The SLAVERS are standing near the UNSULLIED.)

Obey the Khaleesi!

This way, oh Khaleesi

(DAENERYS hands over her dragon to Kraznys, then addresses him in Valyrian.)

Thanks for rebuilding my Khalasar
Now you will be screwed
Even worse than Xaro
Here in this Plaza, your ass is gonna fry

That’s right, slaving scum
Guess who has two thumbs
And will love to watch you die?

Now you will see
I’m a Targaryen
Here’s a switch
Dracarys, bitch
Don’t fuck with me

Those insults that you just flung
Were said in my native tongue
So now you’ll be checking my privilege


Now you serve me,
Dany Targaryen
So please rip
People with whips

This “stinking Westeros whore”
Just owned all of Astapor
Who’s mastered the art of war?
The Khaleesi

It was dumb, Master Krazyns, to mock me
I am deaf to each slaveholder’s plea
And I am still the queen of Dothraki
Now you’re going down
I run this town
And you’ll die just like Pyat Pree!

(she sings the next lines in unison with the UNSULLIED)

Says you are free
(There’s no question that this queen’s the keenest)
But this Targaryen
(And like us, she doesn’t have a penis)
Would enjoy
You as employed
(Everything about this girl scores admiration)

Who’s kicked tyrannical tush
(She’s seems like she is the one to guide us)
And made a westernized push?
(Like a hot, female Leonidas)
No, not George W. Bush,
(And we absolutely love emancipation)
The Khaleesi!

She’s got eight thousand pissed off Unsullied (Yeah, the Unsullied, we’re her Unsullied)
And a troop of half-starved Dothraki
And we all are just sick of being bullied
Now the whole world we are gonna slay
Soon Slaver’s Bay
Will be praising on bended knee
Imperial she,
Dany Targaryen!

Like Abe Lincoln,
With a set of mammaries
So raise your spears to the sky
Where my three dragons all fly

'Cause we are killing Essos' lords
With a fleet of dragons and a storm of swords
And we aren’t quitting
Til I am sitting
The throne, and Westerosi
Obey the Khaleesi!