(If you’ve been wondering why I haven’t done any songs for Jaime and Brienne, here’s your answer. I’ve been building up to this.)
To the tune of “Belle” from “Beauty and the Beast.”
(We open with BRIENNE standing in RENLY’s tent while he negotiates with CATELYN. We hear her internal monologue)
I must serve as Kingsguard to Renly
Every day, I must never quit
He will rule, and I will protect him
Til the end of days…
(The shadow floats in and stabs RENLY)
(GUARDS rush in. BRIENNE stabs them both.)
If you don’t run out of this tent,
They’ll kill you.
You can’t avenge his murder, then.
Save your grief and every tear
‘Cause you have to leave him here
If you want to stay alive,
Come on, Brienne!
(Cut to CATELYN and BRIENNE talking after she escapes)
Lord Renly was the only King worth backing
A good man in a viper’s den
When it’s Stannis I attack
Promise you won’t hold me back
That’s a vow that I am glad to swear, Brienne.
(Cut to when BRIENNE kills the Stark men who raped the tavern men. She rams her sword through one of those SOLDIERS.)
Didn’t you say
It was “two quick deaths?”
Oh shit, this bitch can wield a knife
Well, you just fucked with the wrong tomboy
‘Cause I live more than a cisgendered life
Whoa, damn. Those were Stark men. I did not expect that.
I don’t serve the Starks. I serve Lady Catelyn. And it’s my job to get you to King’s Landing, so shut the hell up and come on.
You realize we are gonna have to duel
The question isn’t “if,” but “when”
And if you’ll let me be real
I am kind of a big deal
Yes, I don’t think this fight will be fair, Brienne
You think you’re so amazing
But your privileged crap won’t fly with me
Now, shut your mouth, Kingslayer
‘Cause I won’t discover that you’re cool ‘til Season 3
(Cut to JAIME and BRIENNE crossing the bridge)
No wonder they call you “Brienne the Beauty!”
I shall not see your like again
I’m so tired and I’m bored…
(Steals her sword)
Never mind, I’ve got your sword
And your “beauty” can’t distract me, wench
Let’s hope you don’t fight badly, wench
So draw your sword, come at me, wench!
(Cut to when BRIENNE is being dragged off to get raped by LOCKE’s men. JAIME tries to persuade him.)
I got this, guys. When I rape her, she’ll get nice and wet, ‘cause I’m the greatest rapist in the whole world.
No hymen alive stands a chance against me, and especially not her. She’s the one. The lucky butch cow I’m going to ravish. Drag her off.
(The BRAVE COMPANIONS drag BRIENNE off)
Hey man, you know that girl’s knee deep in sapphires?
You could be rich beyond your ken
But you can’t exploit that fact
If her hymen ain’t intact
So go tell your men they’ve got to spare Brienne
You think you are the smartest person
So rich and strong and fucking grand
Well, pride like that will make things worsen
So now, Kingslayer, please give me a hand.
(Lops off JAIME’s hand. The next few lyrics are a montage running between BRIENNE talking JAIME out of killing himself, the bath scene, the dinner with ROOSE, etc)
My name is Jaime!
Who took his hand?!
There will be pain.
I’ll get the knife.
Aerys was nuts.
Your sister’s fine.
You killed the King!
Well, can you blame me?!
(Cut to the bear pit scene, when BRIENNE has been thrown in.)
So now farewell to this cisgendered life
(JAIME runs up to the edge and jumps in)
Hey, Locke, your bear can suck my carving knife!
There is one way this girl is just like Cersei
She has more balls than other men
By her gender she is trapped
While I’m just handicapped
And I sense a kindred spirit there
So I will save this maiden fair
Now let’s escape this fucking bear…
(BEAR nearly grabs JAIME)